We Need to Talk About Judgment
Often times, elections bring judgment into sharp focus. Whether it’s heated conversations, polarizing social media posts, or tension within families, judgment seems to shape so much of how we see ourselves and each other. But what’s really driving this? Why do we judge—and why does being judged cut so deeply? More importantly, how can we move through judgment in ways that foster understanding rather than deepen divides?
Judgment is a universal experience. We’ve all felt its sting, and—if we’re honest—we’ve all cast judgment, often without even realizing it. It’s instinctual, yes, but it’s also deeply emotional. Exploring why we judge, and why we fear it, can help us interrupt the cycle and create space for more connection and growth.
The Psychology of Judgment
At its core, judgment is tied to survival. Evolutionary psychologists explain that our ancestors made snap judgments to stay safe—an ability we’ve carried into modern life. But today, those judgments aren’t just about physical safety. They’re more often about identity, insecurity, and fear.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leader in self-compassion research, suggests that judgment is often a protective mechanism. When we judge others, it can temporarily boost our self-esteem, reinforcing our beliefs and values. On the flip side, our fear of being judged is deeply tied to our sense of belonging. When we feel judged, it can lead us to question our worth, leaving us vulnerable and disconnected.
So Why Do We Judge Others?
Judging others can feel like a way to secure our identity. When we criticize someone’s choices or behaviors, it often reflects a need to validate our own. It can also shield us from vulnerability. If we label someone as “wrong” or “less than,” we’re spared from facing uncomfortable truths about ourselves.
Fear is another big driver. When someone’s perspective challenges our worldview, judgment can act as a kind of armor—protecting what feels safe and familiar.
Why We Fear Being Judged
On the other hand, the fear of judgment taps into our primal need for connection. As social creatures, acceptance within a group has always been crucial for survival. Feeling judged can feel like rejection, threatening our place in that social fabric.
In therapy, I see this fear come up often around vulnerability. Sharing our true thoughts or emotions feels risky—it means opening ourselves to the possibility of judgment. But that same vulnerability is where authentic connection begins.
Navigating Judgment (Without Losing Ourselves)
So, how do we handle this double-edged sword—both giving and fearing judgment? It starts with intention and a little self-compassion.
1. Notice When It Happens
Judgment is automatic, but our response doesn’t have to be. Whether you’re judging someone else or fearing their judgment, pause. What’s coming up for you? Awareness creates space for choice.
2. Ask “Why?”
When you catch yourself judging, ask: What’s driving this? Is it fear? Insecurity? A need for control? Similarly, if you’re afraid of being judged, reflect on what feels vulnerable or exposed. Naming it can take some of the power away.
3. Be Kind to Yourself
As Dr. Neff reminds us, self-compassion is a powerful antidote to judgment. Treat yourself like you’d treat a close friend. When you catch yourself judging (or being judged), remind yourself that imperfection is part of being human. None of us are exempt from that.
4. Lean into Empathy
The next time you feel the urge to judge, pause and get curious. What might this person be experiencing? Compassion doesn’t mean agreeing with harmful behavior, but it opens the door to understanding and reduces harshness.
5. Set Boundaries When Needed
Empathy doesn’t mean you have to tolerate everything. You can hold space for understanding while still setting limits that protect your emotional well-being.
Breaking the Cycle
Judgment may be a natural part of being human, but it doesn’t have to drive our relationships. By approaching it with awareness, curiosity, and compassion, we can start to rewrite the script. The next time you feel judgment—whether giving or receiving it—pause. Ask yourself: What’s really happening beneath the surface? It’s a small shift, but one that can lead to deeper connection with both yourself and the people around you.
References
Kruglanski, A. W., & Sleeth-Keppler, D. (2007). The principles of social judgment. Social psychology: Handbook of basic principles, 116-137.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.