By Holly Batchelder, PhD
It’s a strange thing to realize that the very coping strategies that once helped you survive are now the reason you feel stuck. These behaviors may have been essential in tough times—maybe even lifesaving. But as life changes, holding onto old strategies can limit your growth and keep you from thriving.
How Coping Strategies Backfire
Avoidance:
Why it worked: Avoiding stressful situations—like conflict or social settings—protected you from rejection or criticism.
Why it’s holding you back: Now, it stops you from taking risks, building meaningful relationships, and growing through discomfort.
People-Pleasing:
Why it worked: Making others happy might have helped you avoid conflict or stay emotionally safe in the past.
Why it’s holding you back: It leaves you disconnected from your own needs, emotionally drained, and stuck in relationships where you don’t feel seen.
Perfectionism:
Why it worked: Striving for perfection may have earned praise, approval, or a sense of control in stressful environments.
Why it’s holding you back: Now, perfectionism leads to burnout, procrastination, and anxiety, keeping you from embracing progress over perfection.
Suppressing Emotions:
Why it worked: Pushing down emotions was a survival skill if expressing them wasn’t safe or welcome in your environment.
Why it’s holding you back: Over time, emotional suppression leaves you feeling numb, disconnected, or even physically exhausted.
Why It’s Hard to Let Go
Even when a strategy is no longer helping you, it feels familiar—and familiarity feels safe. The fear of trying something new can keep you holding onto habits that aren’t serving you anymore. There’s also that temptation of short-term relief—avoidance or people-pleasing might feel good in the moment, but they keep you stuck in the long run.
Moving Forward: Finding Healthier Tools
Growth doesn’t mean erasing what helped you survive; it’s about reassessing and upgrading. It means asking, “What do I need now to move forward?” Here’s what that process might look like:
Awareness: Start by noticing the patterns that feel automatic—those old habits you keep falling back on, even though they no longer work.
Experimenting with new tools: Maybe that means learning to set boundaries, practicing emotional regulation, or sitting with discomfort instead of avoiding it.
Self-compassion: It’s okay if change feels uncomfortable. You’re not rejecting your old self—you’re just creating space for the person you want to become.
A Gentle Reminder
Coping strategies are not failures—they’re tools you picked up along the way. But tools have a time and place. Holding on too tightly to them may keep you stuck, while loosening your grip opens up new possibilities. You don’t have to let go all at once—it’s a process, and it’s okay to take your time.